Some of the outlandish myths wound up suspiciously close to the mark. How? We have no idea.

The Myth:

Even if you’ve never been in the same room as a Bible, we’re guessing you know the story of Noah’s Ark.

Or have at least seen the ethnic, gay, television drama version of it.

God decides mankind is so utterly corrupt that it’s time to hit the reset switch and just flood the planet. Similar stories come up in folklore all over the world, from the ancient Greeks to the Babylonians, always with a huge flood that kills almost everyone, and often with mankind having to recover its population. For instance, in China, it’s a goddess named Nuwa who stops the flood and creates humans out of clay.

Some are more clay-like than others.

In the Bible’s version, God tells Noah that he is less of a dick than everyone else on Earth, and instructs Noah to build a really big boat. Really, really big. So big that it could hold at least two of every single animal on the entire planet. It rained for 40 days, flooding the world and killing off all life except that which was on Noah’s boat. When the flood ended, all of the animals got off the boat and immediately started boning for their lives, because two individuals needed to repopulate their entire species.

At some point a duck wandered into the wrong tent and POW: Platypuses.

The Science:

A worldwide natural disaster that kills everyone but a huddled few, who then have to repopulate the world? It happens all the time. When biologists analyze the past of a species they often run into what they call genetic bottlenecks, indicating evolutionary events where virtually all of a species were killed or otherwise prevented from reproducing.

For instance, cheetahs had one of these not too long ago. You know how if a human gets a skin graft or kidney transplant, we have to find a relative who’s a close enough match and take immunosuppressants so our body doesn’t reject the donor organ? A cheetah wouldn’t have to do any of that. They had such an extreme genetic bottleneck recently (that is, so few remained) that all the Cheetahs we have now are essentially close relatives.

“Cheetahs are the inbred rednecks of the African savannah.” – Jack Hanna

And humans? We’ve previously talked about the Toba Event, some unknown disaster 75,000 years ago that may have reduced the population of humanity to just 5,000 freaking people.

More than were supposedly on Noah’s Ark, sure, but few enough you could have fit everyone left on Earth on board the Titanic.

And while we’re on the Bible…

The Myth:

So there you are: A descendant of the aforementioned Noah. You think you are so great just because you happen to be a direct descendant of the only righteous man of his time. So, you, along with your brothers and cousins, decide that you will build a huge-ass tower to reach the heavens so that you will be famous and what not. If you know the Old Testament you know that at this point God gets all pissed because… well, we actually don’t know. The story doesn’t really make it clear. If God just hates huge, pointless engineering projects then you’d think Dubai would have been hit by a meteor by now.

Seriously, that sailboat/hotel/island resort thing is about as retarded as it gets.

Anyway, God decides to punish mankind and derail the project by making all of the people at the construction site spontaneously start speaking in different languages. The confused builders abandoned the tower and went their separate ways. That is the Bible’s explanation for why people around the world speak different languages. And to think that was all in nine verses.

The Science:

If you’re into linguistics or have taken a class on the subject, you will recognize how uncannily similar this is to the Theory of Monogenesis. This is one of the major theories out there about the evolution of languages, and it states that all of the world’s languages evolved from one language, in one place, at one time.

The original language? Oddly enough, Pig Latin.

It’s a pretty straightforward idea, albeit controversial.

Alfred Trombetti theorized that this single human language came about right around the same time the first humans came about (though it could also be traced back to the aforementioned near-extinction event, where everyone but the speakers of a single language were killed off).

Either way, the theory is that a single human language arose among a single group of humans in a single region, where it then spread it to the rest of the globe.

Then, there’s Hollywood’s theory that all languages have a British accent.

Then each region and race developed the several thousand languages we have in the world today. Just like in the Tower of Babel story, only without the big-ass tower. It’s impossible to know it if it was also due to mankind doing something to piss off God, so we’re going to guess “yes.”

The Myth:

The Bible has no monopoly on this one. Every culture has a creation myth, which makes sense because from the beginning of time kids have been asking their parents where the world came from and you have to tell them something.

Eventually, jingling keys doesn’t cut it for them.

You can’t just sit there like a dumbass, even if you’re living in an era when science has given you zero information on the subject. We’re humans, we don’t just go around admitting we don’t know.

So, the ancient Egyptians told their kids, “A lotus flower arose from the sea by way of an explosive interaction as a bud. Then the lotus flower opens and Khepri emerges.” (Khepri being a deity who gives birth to creation.) Meanwhile, thousands of miles way, some Chinese parent was telling his kid that, “A cosmic egg appeared in the chaos by way of 18,000 years of the chaos coalescing. Then the cosmic egg cracks and P’an-Ku emerges.” Again, P’an-Ku is a being who creates the universe.

Here, the Chinese creation story is recreated by the WWE.

And of course, we have the Genesis account of the universe being formless and empty, then God speaking a word that brings forth light and matter and life.

What’s remarkable is how similar these universal creation myths are, be they Chinese, Egyptian, Hindu, Finnish or otherwise. And, whether it is a golden womb, a cosmic egg or a flower blossom, it’s all generally the same idea, you just plug in the words:

In the beginning, there was nothing but chaos, often depicted by a vast sea. Then, suddenly, a (noun) (arose from/appeared in) the (sea/chaos/nothingness) by way of (some event or lack thereof). Then the (same noun) (erupts/cracks/opens) and (a deity/creation) emerges.

Garnish with warfare and hilarious laws for flavor.

The Science:

You’ve already guessed it. As fantastic as the mythical versions are, the mechanics of the modern Big Bang theory are remarkably similar. In the beginning of the universe, there was nothing. Not even empty space – merely nothing.

This.

Then, suddenly, a primeval atom forms and explodes, creating the universe.

You can fit it exactly into the framework proposed above: In the beginning, there was nothing. Then, suddenly, an atom appeared in the nothingness. Then the primeval atom erupts and the universe emerges.

Whether or not you practice any of the aforementioned religions, you’ve got to admit that’s an impressive guess for people who would have burned you as a witch if you’d shown them a telescope.

Fish are peaceful and gentle creatures. Neither leashes nor boxes would be required. You don’t have to train them, register them with the City Hall, or vaccinate them. However, that is not such an easy thing to do. Even though you will not be carrying out the mentioned tasks, you still must make an effort to care for the fish. Your job will be to diligently keep your fish tank clean. The following are several useful suggestions for steering clear of typical errors made regarding home aquariums.

Small aquariums are really nice. But your fish won’t care what the aquarium looks like. Fish need space more than decorations in their aquarium. Aquariums at home should be quite huge. A good home aquarium for the beginner hold twenty gallons. Its not wise to use a mall tank since the fish would not have enough space to swim.

Another important tip is to find the best position for the home aquarium. Put the aquarium in a place where it is covenient and enjoyable to watch and care for its occupants. When placed in a perfect place, it would help you identify the problems if any. This will serve as a reminder to keep the aquarium clean and to provide scheduled feeding times for the fish. Place the aquarium in a perfect spot since it would be really heavy. The aquarium needs to be in an area which will allow you easy access at cleaning time. Avoid placing another furniture with this one. You need to place your home aquarium gear in an unobstructed area in order for it to function well.

Do not cook your fish by placing the home aquarium under the sun. Fish, especially the tropical species, need to be protected from direct sunlight. A lot of light promotes algae proliferation which causes your aquarium to get cloudy. Do not place the aquarium near the speakers of your radio. Booming bass and trembling treble will scare them.

You might get too excited about the idea of having the aquarium that you place the fish in its home in the very day that you brought the aquarium. You need to stabilize the water first for few days before letting the fish swim in it. When clean the possibility of your fish falling sick would be reduced.

It is also important to select fish which are good for each other. May be you were wondering about the reduction of number of fishes with you. As everyone know, bully fish eat them. Go with more peaceful varieties of fish for your aquarium. In addition, it is necessary to inquire about the full-grown size that the fish could ultimately reach when you visit the pet store. This is important so that the fish will be compatible with the tank. When selecting the correct fish, be sure to take those that appear to be healthy. If you see damaged scales or fungus on the fish do not buy them.

Finally. do not put too many fish in your home aquarium. Upkeep will be simpler since you will have achieved a balance in the system’s ecology. Every fish will need nearly a gallon of water. If you wish to have more fish, then you should have larger and bigger aquarium.

A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, “If you catch me you can have me.”

Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

“Are you sure?” asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most rigorous program.”

“Absolutely,” he replies, “I haven’t felt this good in years.”

The next day there’s a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,”If I catch you, you are mine!!!”

He lost 63 pounds that week.

(Thanks Barbie)

An Indian man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

He tells the loan officer that he is going to India on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Indian man hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank´s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Indian for using a $350,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank´s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Indian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The Indian replies: “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return!”

1. You can stare at any Girl.
2. You don’t have to spend money on her.
3. You won’t get boring result in ur board papers.
4. No girlfriend, no emotional blackmailing.
5. If u don’t have a girlfriend, she can’t dump u.
6. Having a girlfriend is hot, not having a girlfriend is automatically cool, and every one loves to be a cool guy.
7. This can be more to life than just waiting for the bloody phone to ring.
8. You won’t have to tolerate someone else defining, “right” and ”wrong” for u.
9. Girlfriend can get so possessive that you can’t do anything according ur wishes anymore.
10. You can buy gifts for mom, dad, sis or grandpa instead of a girlfriend and have a happier family life.
11. You won’t have to waste paper writing love letters. No more endless waiting for ur date to arrive at some weird shop place.
12. You can have more friends, as u will have more time for them.
13. You wont have to see boring love stories instead of sports.
14. You wont have to tell lie to anybody and, therefore, you’ll sin less.
15. You can have good night’s sleep-no need to dream about her.
16. You wont have to fight over having a ‘special’ friend with ur folks.
17. No non-stop nonsense.
18. You wont have drown in the pool of her tears.
19. No tension.
20. You can be “yourself”
21. You won’t have to hide your telephone bills…..

1. If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on your right side. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on your left side.

2. If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. For when a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

3. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

4. Your tongue is germ free only if it is pink. If it is white there is a thin film of bacteria on it.

5. The Mercedes-Benz motto is “Das Beste oder Nichts” meaning “the best or nothing”.
6. The Titanic was the first ship to use the SOS signal.

7. The pupil of the eye expands as much as 45 percent when a person looks at something pleasing.

8. The average person who stops smoking requires one hour less sleep a night.

9. Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system. Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day. Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day.

10. The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

11. Dalmatians are born without spots.

12. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

13. The ‘v’ in the name of a court case does not stand for ‘versus’, but for ‘and’ (in civil proceedings) or ‘against’ (in criminal proceedings).

14. Men’s shirts have the buttons on the right, but women’s shirts have the buttons on the left.

15. The owl is the only bird to drop its upper eyelid to wink. All other birds raise their lower eyelids.

16. The reason honey is so easy to digest is that it’s already been digested by a bee.

17. Roosters cannot crow if they cannot extend their necks.

18. The color blue has a calming effect. It causes the brain to release calming hormones.

19. Every time you sneeze some of your brain cells die.

20. Your left lung is smaller than your right lung to make room for your heart.

21. The verb “cleave” is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.

22. When you blush, the lining of your stomach also turns red.

23. When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.

24. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle was built in 1903, and used a tomato can for a carburetor.

25. The lion that roars in the MGM logo is named Volney.

26. Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros.

27. Switching letters is called spoonerism. For example, saying jag of Flapan, instead of flag of Japan.

28. It cost 7 million dollars to build the Titanic and 200 million to make a film about it.

29. The attachment of the human skin to muscles is what causes dimples.

30. There are 1,792 steps to the top of the Eiffel Tower.

31. The sound you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually the sound of nitrogen gas bubbles bursting.

32. Human hair and fingernails continue to grow after death.

33. It takes about 20 seconds for a red blood cell to circle the whole body.

34. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

35. Most soccer players run 7 miles in a game.

36. The only part of the body that has no blood supply is the cornea in the eye. It takes in oxygen directly from the air.

37. Every day 200 million couples make love, 400,000 babies are born, and 140,000 people die.

38. In most watch advertisements the time displayed on the watch is 10:10 because then the arms frame the brand of the watch (and make it look like it
is smiling).

39. Colgate faced big obstacle marketing toothpaste in Spanish speaking countries. Colgate translates into the command “go hang yourself.”

40. The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning its head are the rabbit and the parrot.

41. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

42. The average person laughs 13 times a day.

43. Do you know the names of the three wise monkeys? They are:Mizaru(See no evil), Mikazaru(Hear no evil), and Mazaru(Speak no evil)

44. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

45. German Shepherds bite humans more than any other breed of dog.

46. Large kangaroos cover more than 30 feet with each jump.

47. Whip makes a cracking sound because its tip moves faster than the speed of sound.

48. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

49. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural cause.

50. The human heart creates enough pressure while pumping to squirt blood 30 feet!!

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end a fool at the other.

Love affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five-day test.

Marriage: It’s an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

Divorce: Future tense of marriage

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine waterpower.

Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens everybody disagrees later on.

Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway See I am not injured yet.

Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY

Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Criminal: A guy no different from the rest… Except that he got caught.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

( Tanha -Tanha )

Yoon to apne hi ashkon mein beh gaya hoon.
Phir bhi yaro tanha – tanha reh gaya hoon.
Ban gaya mohtaj dil unki nazer ka ;
mai fakeer -e- yaar banke reh gaya hoon.
Zindagi ki shakl mein hai ek bejaan ;
toota dil hai jann fanah mein lut gaya hoon.
Hona to wahi hai jo wo chahega ;
Mai to bus kirdar banke reh gaya hoon.
Jakhmi to dono hue baraber thay;
wo chal wasa aur mai tadapta reh gaya hoon.
Ro padata hoon bus jara si baat per;
Shayad mai thoda sa naadaan reh gaya hoon.
Ishk teri dooriyaa subhanallah ;
pas aya tauba karke reh gaya hoon.
Ek daur tha mai bhi bada khuddar tha ;
Per kya karun majboor banke reh gaya hoon.
Ye haal hai naakam hoker ishk mein;
Jaise koi maat khaker reh gaya hoon.
Hara bhi to apne dil se mastghan ;
Apne hi paase mein fansker reh gaya.

#################

( Tukde – Tukde )

Mujhko ek bar aajmate to sahi;
Wo meri bajm mein aate to sahi.
Maine rakha tha sare sham se gher ko sajaker;
Tumne rukte ek pal mager aate to sahi.
Aapki khatir aapki khusiyon ki khatir;
Khud bhi ho jata neelam batate to sahi.
Yakeena aapke hisse mein raushani hoti;
Shamme wafa dil mein ek bar jalate to sahi.
Mai bhi insan hu patther nahi kyu thukraya ?
Khud ho jata tukde tukde batate to sahi.

################

( Nazrein Churake )
Apne dil ko samjha k dekhenge;
Aaj tujhko bhulake dekhenge.
Dekhna hai dil pe kya guzerti hai;
Tera ek khat jalake dekhenge.
Dariya -e- Dil mein koi mauj nahi ;
Aaj aanshu bahake dekhenge.
Chhodker tujhko door jayenge ;
Gum -e- zudai uthake dekhenge .
umra ne kis kadra diye dhoke ;
aaine ko batake dekhenge.
Hum aaj rat roshni k liye;
Charag -e- dil jalake dekhenge.
Jinka kehna tum jiyo ya maro;
unki baton mein aake dekhenge.
Sath guzre haseen lamhon ki;
yaadon ko hum bhulake dekhenge.
Dekhein phir mastghan unka rawaiya;
unse nazrein churake dekhenge.

###############

( Teri Beeti Batein )
Ay… malik kyun kiya majboor yoon kuchh nahin apne bus mein.
Jab bichhde tab niklein ashoo, toote waade kasmein.
Sapne toote apne chhoote aur wo hue paraye ;
Koi bataye kisne banai is duniya ki rasmein.
Saaz bhi hai aabaj bhi hai, wahi shama wahi din hai;
Tu jo nahi to kisko sunaoo sher, Ghazal ye nagme.
Gayi bahar chaman hua khali, ud gaye panchhi sare;
Ay bulbul ab tu bhi chali ja kya rakha patjhad mein.
Tanhaee apni kismat mein shaam akeli ratein;
Mai jee loonga dil mein basaker teri beeti batein:
Teri beeti batein, bus teri beeti batein…

###############

( Tisnagi )

Husnwalon se berukhi achhi.
Dosti achhi na dusmani achhi.
Jaam hathon mein ashk aakhon mein;
yu pilane se tisnagi achhi.
Shekh peeker bhi pyase laute hain;
Ye maiy achhi na maiykashi achhi.
Darde dil k bagair kuchh bhi nahi;
wafa achhi na dillagi achhi.
Sansein bhi jab udhar leni padein ;
Bazar -e- zindagi uthi achhi.
Zindagi bojh banke reh jaye;
Aise jeene se khudkushi achhi.
Lash pe lash gire parwane ;
Ay.. Shama teri roushni achhi.
mastghan dil hi jab paresan ho ;
Buri lagati hai baat bhi achhi.

( Tabajjoh -e- khas )

Unki khidmat mein kuchh alaa janab hote hain .
Husn wale jidher wasabab hote hain.
HUm yoon rote hain k rote bhi nahin
Wo to gum bhi bare lajabaab dete hain.
Dekhe jo unhein tod de paimane sabra k;
Wo jub rukh se jara benakab hote hain.
bus itni shikayat rahi hai aaj tak unse;
Meri sunte hain na apna jabab dete hain.
Wo hain k humein theek se dekha bhi nahi;
Hum jinki soorat pe tabajjoh -e- khas dete hian.

( Kasam se )

Khamshi jab khudkalam ho gayi;
Her bat nazeron mein tamam ho gayi.
Hui subah to aankh khuli jaam se;
Maiykadon mein shaam ho hayi.
Aansuon mein bewashi ka jikra tha;
Yaani halat -e- dil tham ho gayi.
Jabse hui ifteda -e- aashiqi;
Zindagi tamam ho gayi.
Unka shukra jo rulake chhod gaye;
Chalo wasl wa-anjam ho gayi.
Jabse unke ho gaye hain mastghan;
Kasam se Fitrat -e- gulam ho gayi.

( Unke Bagair )

Kaise unke bagair waqt bitaya jaye;
Dil -e- nashad ko kis tarah manaya jaye.
Jab dil ko na mile kahin sukoon to;
Uski tasveer ko seene se lagaya jaye .
Khud bikher jayegi sab bher mein roshani;
Bus rukh -e- yaar se ye parda hataya jaye.
Mumkin to nahi lagta mager ek roj kabhi;
Chand ko falak se jameen pe utara jaye.
Chalo aasan ker dete hain khuda ki rahein;
Wo jo majboor hain unhein aur sataya jaye.
Jo taraste rahe wafa k liye ;
Unko aaina dikhaya jaye .

( Teri jaroorat )

Jane is dil ko tere naam se niswat kyu hai;
Batana zindagi ko teri jaroorat kyu hai.
Kambakhat dil hai k lagata hi nahi;
Sari duniya se shikayat kyu hai.
Kyun nahi lagti kahin tabiyat tere bagair;
Batana tujhse mujhe itni mohabbat kyun hai.
Mai kyu na mer gaya auron ki tarah karke khudkushi;
Mujhme haalat se ladne ki adawat kyu hai.
Yu to aur bhi azeem-o-shaan hai mere ehbab;
Her sakhs se aala teri shohbat kyu hai.
Sanase to bahut hain mere is shehar mein mager;
tere hi sath rehne ki mujhe aadat kyu hai.
Dhokhe hi mil rahe hain sabhi se phir bhi ;
Mujhe her aadmi se itni shakhawat kyu hai.

( Khoye – khoye )

Aasman pe sare sham se jab tare utar aate hain;
Meri aankhon mein phir kuchh jugnu jhilmilate hain.
jubse aye hain wo dehleez pe jawani ki ;
wo apne gher pe bhi mehman nazer aate hain.
Uski shohabat hi yaad aati hai ;
Jab kabhi raste sunsan nazer aate hain.
Jane kya ho gaya hai duniya ko;
k khoye – khoye se insaan nazer aate hain.
Jinse hum her ghadi milne ki dua karte hain ;
Nigahein pher ker wo log guzer jate hai.
Meri wafa ka unper faqat itna aser hai ;
Ger kahin dekh lein mujhko to sanwar jate hai.

( Jo Bhi Milta Hai )

Jo bhi milta hai dil dukhane ko.
Jane kya ho gaya jamane ko.
K ter jab ho gaya mera daman ;
Shiddatein ho gayi jamane ko.
Baat batper gher chhodne ko kehta hai;
Kaise roku mai dil diwane ko.
Mayush hi laute hain us der se abhi tak.
Chale jate hai phir bhi kismat aajmane ko.
Jabse badal gayi hai wafa ki soorat;
Karta hi nahi dil kisise dil lagane ko.

( Shayad hi koi )

Dilshai to bahut hain madadgar nahi hai.
Yahan dost to bahut hain wafadar nahi hain.
Ek roj baaz ayeinge wo bewafai se ;
Ummeedein to bahut per aasar nahi hai.
Shayad hi koi hoga duniya mein khushnaseeb;
Ziski zindagi gamon se do-char nahi hai.
Meri begunahi ka her ashk gawah hai.
Jalim ko phir bhi mujpe aitwar nahin hai.
Sara din badi muskil se gaya hai mera ;
Shayad k aaj mausam khushgawar nahi hai.

These “silly tech support calls ” have been around in e-mails and online since the dawn of tech support.

They are always fun to read. I’m in the mood for a good laugh. How about you?

**********

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can’t get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note.

Customer: No, wait a minute… I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s still on my desk… Sorry….

**********

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
FeMale Customer: A white one…

Tech support: Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

**********

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male Customer: Hello… I can’t print.

Tech support: Would you click on “start” for me and…
Customer: Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me! I’m not Bill Gates.

**********

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try, it says ‘Can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it…

**********

Customer: I have problems printing in red…
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah……. ……… ….thank you.

**********

Tech support: What’s on your monitor now, ma’am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

**********

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back

Customer: OK

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes

Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there’s another one here. Ah…that one does work…

**********

Tech support: Your password is the small letter “a” as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

**********

Customer: I can’t get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.

**********

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.

Tech support: That’s not an anti-virus program.
Customer : Oh, sorry…Internet Explorer.

**********

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

**********

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

**********

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?

Customer: “No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.”

**********

And last but not least…

Tech support: “Okay Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter “P” to bring up the Program Manager”
Customer: I don’t have a P.

Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?

Tech support: “P”…..on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

These are Girls profiles taken from shaadi .  com    These are actual ads on a matrimony site. Grammar and
spelling errors  have no place in a profile description as everything is straight from the heart!

Disclaimer : I am not responsible if you forget your basic grammar after reading this mail…

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
 
- Hello To Viewers My Name is Sowmya , I am single i dont have male,If any one whant to marrie to me u can visite to my
home. I am not a good education but i working all   field in bangalore.. if u like me u welcome to my heart…
when ever u whant to meet pls visit my resident or
send u letter..
Thanks
yours Regards Sowmya ~*~
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

i want very simple boy. from brahmin educated family from Orissa state she is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework
(Wut Homework?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every   moments of life. I   love to make friendship. Becauese friendship is a first step of love. I am looking for my dreamboy who will love me more than i.
Because i love myself a lot. If u think that is u then   why to late come on ……..hold my hand forever !!!
(The dilwale dulhaniya effect)
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

i am simple girl. I have lot of problemin my life   because of my lucknow i am looking one boy he care me
and love me lot lot lot
(I don’t know why but this is one of my favorites)
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

i want a boy with no drinks if he wants he can wear jeans in house but   while steping out of house he should give recpect to our cast
(by not wearing his jeans? Wat the hell…)
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

HYE I AM A GOOD LOKING GIRL,WHO HAS THE CAPABILITY TO   MAKE ANY BODY TO   LOUGH.I BELIEVE IN GOD AND ACCORDING TO ME FRIENDS ARE THE REAL   MESSENGER OF GOD. THE 3 THINGS I AM LOOKING FROM A BOY
,THEY ARE
1.THEY MUST BELIEVE IN GOD.
2. THEY HAVE TO LIKE MY PROFFESION
3. THEY SHOULD NOT GET BORED WITH ME WHEN I WILL TRY
TO MAKE THEM LOUGH.
(all of us are loughing {laughing})
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

whatever he may be but he should feel that he is going to be someone   groom   and he must think of the future life if he is toolike this he would be called the man of the lamp  
(I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me what this girl   wants)
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

i love my patner i marriage the patner ok i search my patner and I love the patner ok thik hai the patner has a graduate
ok
(I am again clueless but I liked the use of “ok”. The person is   suffering from “Ok-syndrome”)  
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

iam pranati my family histoy my two brother two sister and   father & mother sister completely married
(somebody please explain in comments section how to   get married ‘completely’ ?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

my name is farhanbegum and i am unmarried. pleaes you marrige me   pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes
(height of desperation! J )
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

iam kanandevi. i do owo businas.one sistar.he was marred.
(No comments)
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

hello i am a good charactarised woman. i want to run   my life happily. i divorced my first husband. his charactor is not good’.
i expect the   good   minded and clean habits boy who may be in the same caste or other   caste   accepted …
(but credit cards not accepted..?? ?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Iam Sharmila my colour is black, but my heart is   white. i like social service.
(Zebra..???)
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

  Home is where you hang your @.
 
  The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
 
  A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
 
  You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.
 
  Great groups from little icons grow.
 
  Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
 
  C: is the root of all directories.
 
  Don’t put all your hypes in one home page.
 
  Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
 
  The modem is the message.
 
  Too many clicks spoil the browse.
 
  The geek shall inherit the earth.
 
  A chat has nine lives.
 
  Don’t byte off more than you can view.
 
  Fax is stranger than fiction.
 
  What boots up must come down.
 
  Windows will never cease.
 
  Virtual reality is its own reward.
 
  Modulation in all things.
 
  A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
 
  There’s no place like home.com.
 
  Know what to expect before you connect.
 
  Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.

Gray hair is God’s graffiti.”
-Bill Cosby.

“Old age is no place for sissies.”
-Bette Davis

“Age is a question of mind over matter.
If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
-Satchel Paige.

“Just remember, once you’re over the hill,
you begin to pick up speed.”
-Charles Schulz.

“Don’t worry about senility,
my grandfather used to say.
‘When it hits you, you won’t know it’.”
-Bill Cosby.

“Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.”
-Mark Twain.

“Inside every seventy year old is a thirty five year old
asking, ‘What happened?’ ”
-Ann Landers.

“The secret of staying young is to live honestly,
eat slowly, and lie about your age. ”
-Lucille Ball.

“My parents didn’t want to move to Florida,
but they turned sixty, and it was the law.”
-Jerry Seinfeld.

“It’s no longer a question of staying healthy.
It’s a question of finding a sickness you like.”
-Jackie Mason.

“Put cotton in your ears and pebbles in your shoes.
Pull on rubber gloves. Smear Vaseline over your glasses,
and there you have it: instant old age.”
-Malcolm Cowley.

School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.

Nurse: A person who wakes U up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage: It’s an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.

Divorce: Future tense of Marriage.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through “the minds of either”

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Criminal: A guy no different from the rest….except that he got caught.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc .: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead

January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000.00 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amuck inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving tyke was Ms. Robertson’s son.
 
June 1998: A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000.00 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran his hand over with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn’t notice someone was at the wheel of the car whose hubcap he was trying to steal.
 

October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol Pennsylvania was exiting a house he finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn’t re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, so Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. This upset Mr. Dickson, so he sued the homeowner’s insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars and change.
 

October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500.00 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor’s beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced-in yard, as was Mr. Williams. The award was less than sought after because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
 

May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster Pennsylvania $113,500.00 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
 
December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the lady’s room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000.00 and dental expenses.

( homeowners insurance )

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost ‘in a series of small fires.’

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer
held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars
were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable ‘fire’ and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the ‘fires’.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART…